I'm having a good week this week, I feel productive and inspired, I'm reading and re-searching new ideas. Not just for my sessions, but for me....
Last week, started of not so good. I was struggling internally with myself, with what was going on in the world and ultimately with our future. But of course we cannot plan for the future I hear you say, so why worry about it Samira?
Well sometimes it's just not that simple. I couldn't switch off. I was feeling anxious and hyped up. My adrenal system in overdrive. Then I had one of those great sessions with my dear teacher Alex, who has opened a hub for us that teach/ facilitate others through these times, he explained to us that when we are in a state of heightened stress, which we all are right now, collectively, witnessing and some of us even experiencing symptoms of this thing called Covid19, we tend to go back into pre-personal states. These are states that might have manifested when you were a child. If you as a child have experienced traumatic events than it is likely you have developed a way of coping with this stress. They become part of your stress response, your coping mechanism if you like. Your reptilian survival brain kicks in and goes into survival mode;
"The reptilian brain, the oldest of the three, controls the body's vital functions such as heart rate, breathing, body temperature and balance. Our reptilian brain includes the main structures found in a reptile's brain: the brainstem and the cerebellum. The reptilian brain is reliable but tends to be somewhat rigid and compulsive." Source; thebrain.mcgill.ca/
The brain is really quite fascinating and must be explored further. The reptilian brain is reliable but tends to be somewhat rigid and compulsive... My survival mode was also the thing that broke me out of it in the end. I couldn't keep it up, I got so tired of her, my rigid and compulsive inner Mother Theresa.
My strategy as a child would have involved me tiptoeing around my mum, to try and keep the balance and have a happy household. My mum went through a lot of stuff during her life, which would have included a lot of heart ache and deep trauma and although I wasn't conscious of it at the time, I realise now that my strategy was to just keep her as happy as I could and do as much as I would be able to to avoid conflict, seeing she was carrying all this trauma on her broad and beautiful shoulders.
So when we went into lockdown those weeks ago, I went back to that state, my hyper drive, my inner Mother T took over and I tried to look after everyone else, comes very natural to me, although she tends to forget about herself and her needs. I immediately took my passion, my inspiration online, giving free morning sessions every weekday and teaching all my yoga & meditation classes online, holding space for everyone but myself... Fixing my website so I could make it as easy as possible for you guys and for me, as well as homeschooling and trying to be outdoor hiking and exploring nature. To top it off and this is nothing to complain about, but we have had nothing but good weather and to anyone coming from a country like Holland or England where it usually is grey and wet, I feel so guilty about being indoors, so out I went.
After 4 weeks my internal pressure cooker exploded and I cracked. I actually collapsed from tiredness and I cried, then I was angry with myself for not noticing myself sooner... and then I did nothing. I just rested. Told everyone to bugger off, so I could lie down, read, eat and sleep. Of course I got better, it usually doesn't take me long for energy to return; I didn't feel sad anymore, I didn't have a heart ache, I could laugh and take the piss out of myself, giggle with my girls and found internal love and gratitude, but man that was some emotional rollercoaster. Recognising your state is not always easy. Usually you recognise when someone else is doing that, but it is worth exploring, however painful, because after rain comes the sunshine and I feel so much more free again.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
On another note, sometimes it may seem to the outside world we are doing amazing. I look at instagram and think wow these people are doing so well, they are incredible, fascinating, intelligent, wonderful with such cool insights and then you might realise they are struggling just as much as you are. If it's not with their business, it might be in their home life, or with a friendship or with money or whatever their thing is. No one is perfect and we shouldn't strive to be. Just be yourself is my eternal mantra. I hope that one day this mantra becomes so engrained that I can stop comparing myself, that I have constant access to my true and beautiful nature, without doubting myself and questioning all that I do, but until then I'll keep reminding myself, I'll keep doing the work and that is enough.
I hope you are well, but if you are not, that's ok too. Get in touch and let me know how you are and what you are doing to cope. Let's inspire each other...
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